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Tonight Was The Night I Wanted Cake
Tonight was one of those nights when I ate because it looked good, and I just felt like it. Afterwards, I realized I felt bad about myself, guilty about overeating and I wanted to start dieting-immediately. But then, I got hold of myself. This type of eating is not my usual pattern, and I need to allow myself these "let them eat cake" times. So tomorrow, I start again, with no guilt, no fear. Just moving forward.
Tonight was just one of those nights. We had company-our friend Michael, who we hadn’t seen in two years. We talked and talked...and then we decided to eat cake. None of that light sponge cake with confectioners sugar sprinkled on it, either. But the chocolate torte, layered with cake and chocolate mousse. And I didn’t just want one piece, I ate three. Did I need three pieces? No, but for some reason, I just wanted to eat three slices (and I ate one after Michael left).
Once he was gone, and after that last piece of cake, I sat and thought: tomorrow I’m going to skip breakfast. No, I’m going to fast. No, I’m going to just have these meal replacement bars and get rid of this heavy feeling I have in my stomach as soon as humanly possible.
Then I realized-I’m not going to do any of those things. I’m going to get up in the morning and eat breakfast and move on with my day. I’m not going to fall into the “I am fat and have to starve myself to lose the weight I just gained” trap.
But you know, those thoughts were certainly crowding my sugar laden brain cells! It’s a purely emotional response, and a trap so large that it is hard to miss.
You have to understand that I know, in my head, there is no way to gain 5 pounds by just eating a few extra slices of cake (even if it is the chocolate torte). I know that if I got on the scale tomorrow morning, it would show a weight gain, but it’s not a gain in fat. I haven’t eaten those extra 3500 calories that make up a pound of fat. It is so hard, though, to NOT think this is exactly what I have done.
The point is- I don’t eat like this very often. For whatever reason (company, the glass of wine, or just….because) I ate a lot of a cake tonight. I do know if I kept up this type of behavior on a regular basis, of course I would gain a lot of weight. For many years, this was indeed the case. Now, though, I honestly know this is not my regular eating pattern.
It has been a long journey for me, this becoming “at peace with food”.” It took years of crazy dieting, fasting, and punishing myself for overeating. This went on until I finally declared a truce. Yes, it felt like a war between myself and the food I ate. But now I know I’m past that. As a matter of fact, I’d say it’s not a truce I’ve declared with food; rather it’s a peace treaty.
For whatever reason (time to stop thinking about that reason, Leeann), I’m giving myself this treat. Tomorrow, I will get up in the morning and move forward. I’m not going to be stuck in the “oh I sssshould never have done this”, or “I’m a bad person for overeating, I have no control.” I’m going to get up, eat breakfast, and go to work. I know that I will do my best to meet my walking goals (it’s hard when the weather is bad, but that’s when I try to walk around my house)-and just keep moving forward. I will wear a skirt that makes me feel comfortable, not one that is tight. I am going to feel good about myself.
After all these years I have learned how to balance my overeating with healthy eating, I now that regular activity is part of my life (as well as healthy eating), and regardless of what I eat, I am still a responsible, smart (occasionally witty) person who is at peace with food.
Tonight I ate a lot of cake. And do you know what? It was absolutely delicious!