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Illness And Anger: 3 Steps To Avoid The Spiritual Pitfalls
"When I was first diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, I was relieved at first," shares Cindy. "So many doctors kept telling me to see a psychiatrist, but I knew it was my body, not my head, that was in trouble." She explains, "I had spent so much time before my diagnosis being mad, having my illness finally validated was a great feeling. But six months later, the anger set in the pain management of the illness seemed to barely exist."
“When I was first diagnosed with chronic fatigue syndrome, I was relieved at first,” shares Cindy. “So many doctors kept telling me to see a psychiatrist, but I knew it was my body, not my head, that was in trouble.” She explains, “I had spent so much time before my diagnosis being mad, having my illness finally validated was a great feeling. But six months later, the anger set in the pain management of the illness seemed to barely exist.”
A well-known doctor in Switzerland, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, wrote a book that has changed perspective on how people deal with grief for any kind of loss. This book, called “On Death and Dying,” shows how she recognized a cycle of emotional stages that now is commonly referred to as the cycle of grief. Anger is the third stage of the cycle, following the stage of shock and denial.
Anger is a natural reaction to a diagnosis of chronic illness. Acknowledging the feelings and working through them is a part of the cycle of mourning and grief. And any loss in life requires us to go through a time of mourning, especially the losses of our dreams when we find out or body will never be the same.
Recognizing these feelings and dealing with them is part of the mourning process. We all need to go through this process, and it comes at different times for each individual and at different levels at each stage of the illness. Ironically, the first year of diagnosis may even be easier than the third year.
Cheryl, who lives with diabetes, shares, “For the longest time the disease was just an annoyance, but once I had to start checking my blood sugar ten times a day and watching every bite I ate, I got angry. I lashed out at everyone, even my husband and daughter. I was so jealous they could eat whatever they wanted and didn’t even appreciate it.”
One thing is certain: anger should come. If it has not, you may want to take a closer look at why.
Linda Noble Topf author of “You are Not Your Illness” says, “It is my observation that the absence of anger in the face of a serious illness suggests that we have already withdrawn from life, that we have relinquished our passion for living, that we are resigned and emotionally numb.”
If you’re a Christian you may be told that you should never get angry, you just need to have more faith. As believers, we are often taught the emotions of anger are not “allowed” or justified. You may have been raised to believe:
- If my faith is strong enough, then I should trust that God is in control, so I shouldn’t be angry at what He has planned. Doesn’t anger show a lack in faith?
- If I tell other Christians about my angry feelings, and how frustrated I am with this disease, won’t they think I am weak in my walk with Christ?
- I know the Bible says, “wise men shouldn’t anger.” So how can be my real self with the Lord?
- I know that anger leads to bitterness. So if I don’t acknowledge these feelings I will be a “better Christian” and I won’t ever become bitter about life.
All of these thoughts are normal, but that doesn’t mean they’re correct. By burying our anger and not acknowledging it, we prevent ourselves from moving on to the next phase in the grief cycle, learning how to effectively manage our emotions and our chronic illness.
Here are a few tips to help guide you through the process of dealing with your anger:
1. If you are angry, acknowledge that these feelings exist. Then get on with life!
Don’t bury these emotions, believing that it will make you a stronger person. Topf recommends “think of anger as a resource that you can learn to harness and refine for your own benefit.” Being able to address your feelings of anger will help you reclaim your personal identity. Don’t try to fake it through life on false emotions.
The Bible explains how Job got angry about the events in his life and cursed the day of his birth. He said, “Do I have any power to help myself, now that success has been driven from me?” (Job 6:13). In the end though, God blessed Job in many ways and Job told the Lord, “Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful to know” (Job 42:3b). Through his feelings of anger and frustration, character and understanding was built.
2. It is all right to have angry feelings.
God designed our whole being and that includes the ability to feel anger. Even the Bible provides specific examples when God became angry. What does the Bible tell us about how to handle our angry emotions?
- “For man’s anger does not bring about the righteous life that God desires” (James
- “Wise men turn away anger” (Proverbs
- “A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control” (Proverbs 29:11).
It is no secret that the God designed us with anger as part of our natural human response to negative circumstances. Some people may remind us that it takes anger to make positive changes. For example, the acronym “MADD” explains rather well the emotions behind Mothers Against Drunk Drivers. Topf writes, “We discover that anger is first and foremost demand for change.” It’s true, amazing changes have occurred in history because of anger, such as the civil rights laws. Having an “I’m-not-going-to-take-it-any-more-attitude” can create positive changes. It is when anger takes over a life that we are in danger.
In Amos 1:11, God says, “I will not turn back my wrath… because his anger raged continually.” God isn’t upset because of the presence of anger, but because the anger was continuous. God calls us to put our focus on Him and try to make a difference that will bring glory to Him.
3. Walk with God beside you and He will walk with you through your anger.
In the Bible, David experienced this promise and wrote, “Though I walk in the midst of trouble, you preserve my life; you stretch out your hand against the anger of my foes, with your right hand you save me” (Psalm 138:7). God is always waiting for you to stretch out your hand to Him, especially when in anger reigns. He will protect you from using it unwisely.
“I’m still dealing with anger toward this illness, after two years diagnosed, and eight years of being sick,” shares Peggy, who lives with fibromyalgia. “Each time a new realization hits me about my limitations, I experience anger. And yet, I know that God has a plan for my life that is perfect. I still battle the angry feelings, which rage inside, every time I have to say no to something I would like to do. I pray and expect His perfect grace and that He will become slow to anger, counting on the scripture, ‘The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love’” (Psalm 103:8).
Coping effectively with anger will be a challenge we deal with for the rest of our lives. Some of the most vital guidance to cope with it is in a scripture that I point to in my book, “Why Can’t I Make People Understand? Discovering the Validation Those with Chronic Illness Seek and Why” where I steer one through emotions of bitterness, jealousy and anger that accompanies illness. Hosea 7:13b-14 says: God says, “I long to redeem [you] but. . . [you] do not cry out to Me from [your] hearts, but wait upon [your] beds.” So don’t flop down on your bed and wail “Why is this happening to me?” Instead pour out your heart to the Lord and merely ask Him for help.