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How Do I Help My Son Overcome His Painful Shyness?
Q. "I have a 7-year old son who is so shy he will hardly talk to anyone outside of our family. How can I help him?"
Q. “I have a 7-year old son who is so shy he will hardly talk to anyone outside of our family. How can I help him?”
A. Although some children are, by nature, slow to warm up, that does not mean that they cannot overcome their fears and anxieties. The trick is to start from where they are at, and build from success to success.
Look for things he likes to do and is good at. This will build self- confidence. He will also have more things to talk about. If you can find things for him to do, involving others, better still. Don’t force him to do anything, but also don’t make it easy for him to get out of it. A lot of time children will say they don’t want to do something, even when they know inside that they’ll have a great time.
Plan some social situations that will turn out to be learning experiences. Start slowly, and build on each one. One example might be, going to a movie with a friend. They can enjoy the experience together but don’t have to engage in conversation. Movies are almost always fun.
Start with familiar structured activities with few people. As he gains confidence in being and interacting with people, then set up more challenging situations. Always set them at a level at which he will succeed, and quit while it is going well! The everyone will want to do it again.
Make the social situations revolve around things he likes to do. For example if he enjoys computer games, invite a friend over. Start with one and the next time invite two or three. The kids will like talking about and playing the games together.
When you visit adults, you can lead the conversation by telling of your son’s latest exploits on his computer game. Allow him to correct you on details, or to fill in on the intricacies of beating the Bad Boss on level 4. You could prime the adults with suggestions about what to talk about.
If he chooses not to talk, don’t force him but don’t make excuses for him It’s his choice to talk or not. Try drawing him into conversations. You might ask him something like, “How did Mario get lost in the Mansion?”. This is an open ended question and will be easy for him to answer and elaborate on. Don’t make it difficult for him by asking something that just requires a one word answer, or ask about something that’s hard for him.
Gradually, your son will develop confidence in talking and being with people. He will then be able to take more risks by talking about less familiar subjects. In short - if talking becomes fun, he will do more of it. It it is difficult or embarrassing he will do less.
Don’t reinforce his vision of himself as “shy”. If you call him that, he won’t believe he can change. It could become an excuse used to get out of interacting with others. Build on his positive attributes by reminding him that he is kind, gentle, polite, and so on.
Just remain positive and affirming and he should be fine.