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I Know You Can Do It! 7 Tips For Teaching Kids To Become Self Reliant
It's developmentally appropriate for children to become more and more independent, self reliant and responsible as they age. It can be challenging for parents to know when to step back and let their children try something on their own. This article provides 7 tips to help parents instill self reliance and a sense of responsibility in their children.
We all know that “helicopter parenting,” the practice of hovering over children and swooping in at any sign of challenge, discomfort, or impending failure, needs to become a thing of the past. Parents who allow their children to make mistakes and learn from them are giving their children a major advantage in life.
It’s developmentally appropriate for children to become more and more independent, self reliant and responsible as they age. It can be challenging for parents to know when to step back and let their children try something on their own. After all, from the time their children were babies, parents have spent years meeting many to all of their child’s needs.
Striking a balance between allowing your children to do tasks for themselves and helping them when they seem to need or want is a talent of very powerful parents. This balance allows their children to thrive because they feel more confident in themselves while still feeling supported and properly mentored.
How can we instill self reliance and responsibility into our children?
(1) Allow your children to make some decisions: Even young children can make sound decisions if you give them a few select choices. Do you want to wear the red shirt or the blue shirt? Would you like a peanut butter sandwich or a cheese sandwich? As children get older, you can allow them to make more important decisions with little to no guidance. They can determine things like which Fall sport they’d like to play, if they need a tutor for math, and which friends they’d like to spend time with each day without needing much, if any, input from parents. While it’s tempting to make these kinds of decisions for your older children, they need to stand on their own two feet—after all, their decisions are often correct!
(2) Encourage your children to try tasks on their own: We know that tasks may be executed more quickly and skillfully when we step in and do them for our children. However, the only way they’re going to learn how to do tasks for themselves is if we step aside and allow them to do work through them on their own. Laundry, shoe-tying, and making the bed are great places to start with young children. Older children can handle more complicated tasks such as cooking, preparing their own lunch, and doing their own homework.
(3) Model responsibility and self reliance: Parents have many responsibilities—let your child see them and hear about them! Say out loud; “This screw seems a little loose, I’ll go get the screwdriver and tighten it” or “I have to plan our weekly menu for dinner; let’s see...Monday night we’ll have...” When children see you making decisions, taking initiative, and displaying self reliant behaviors, they will engage in similar behavior.
(4) Coach your child to come up with his own answer: When your child asks you questions about how to do something or what to do in a certain situation, sometimes asking questions is more important than providing answers. “What do you think you should do? How would you feel if you chose X? What would happen if you did Y instead?” These questions can unlock the answers in your own child’s brain so the next time he’s in a similar situation he’ll be able to call on his own experience and judgment to make a decision.
(5) Be a good support system: Sometimes this means cheering them on from the sidelines and other times it means encouraging them to try again. Of course, when children truly need your help, they should know that they can count on you. If you teach them to ask for help when they really need it (when something seems unsafe or too challenging), they should know that you will be there to assist them. When children know they can count on you when they’re really in need, they’ll feel more secure about taking healthy risks and making mistakes.
(6) Get them involved with household responsibilities: Chores are great for teaching children how to be self reliant as well as how to work as a team. After teaching them how to do the chore properly, let them give it a try with some assistance, if needed. You can even work on a checklist together which helps to break down the task into easy, age-appropriate chunks. For example, (a) Take the clothes out of the dryer, (b) Separate the clothes by family member, (c) Match up all the socks...and so on. Providing responsibilities will allow children to build their self confidence and self reliance.
(7) Encourage healthy risk-taking: Assure your children that making mistakes is OK. The most important thing is that s/he tries! Most things are not done perfectly the first time—even when you’re an adult. It doesn’t mean “the end of the world” and there is no reason to be embarrassed. It can be tough to watch our children make mistakes. We may want to rush to their aid to shield them from impending failure or disappointment. However, when parents do this, they rob their children of some very powerful tools; self confidence, stick-to-itiveness, and of course, self reliance.
Your children are relying on you to teach them how to approach the world. Sometimes that means they have to watch you to learn how to approach the task. But other times that means, you must watch them from the sidelines and encourage them to figure it out on their own.