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Communicate Directly
Were you raised in a family with circular communication? If you wanted to get a message to Sister A, you told Sister B to be sure Sister A got it? It went all around the family except directly to Sister A! Following the three simple steps here, you can drop that method forever.
Maybe it all began with the pioneers circling the wagons, but I’ve seen communication take that same route. When my mom wanted my dad to know something, she’d tell me to tell him. Or if it was for my brother, she’d tell our sister. I see evading communication in others, so I don’t think my family was alone in this.
Examples: Phil believes that an associate is interfering with his project to gain headway with the CEO. What should he do? What strategy will insure his ultimate success?
Tiffany is positive that all she say and does is being judged by her new parents-in-law and that their harsh judgment will cause her marriage to fail.
Matthew blew his presentation. He is positive of it, and will shy away from the spotlight in the future to avoid such humiliation.
No one is sabotaging these three individuals except themselves. All they have to do is change their focus, get curious and ask the question. Sound simple?
Change their focus. They’re all focused on the negative results of a sense of loss or a sense of being embarassed. What you think about is what you create. Each is unwittingly creating failure. However, if Phil changes his focus to amazing his CEO with diligence and creativity, what results will he then produce? It’s wise to know about your competition, but don’t let this knowledge hurt you.
Get curious. Tiffany notices her in-laws watching her closely. Are they really judging her? Are they perhaps eager to learn more about her through her actions and behavior? Is this more about Tiffany’s lack of confidence? Perhaps they’ve never seen a tennis match played or table set the way she does and they are enamored! How will opening up this curiosity change her?
Ask the question: Honestly, there’s just one way to know about a thing for certain and for sure: ask. Why do we shy away from going to the source? Chances are high that if Matthew asks for feedback on his presentation, he’ll learn how to fine tune it; if Tiffany or Phil ask directly, they’ll gain valuable information as well.
Go directly to the source. This is never actually as difficult as it may initially seem. Additionally, asking the question saves time and energy; clarifies things and ultimately rescues relationships. Even the most intuitive of us never knows where the other is coming from without an open discussion. Even then, watch for signs.
A method of listening in the coaching world is called ‘level three listening.’ This is listening with all of your senses—your eyes, ears, intuition, gut. Listen to what is really being said and what is not. This intense listening leads to intriguing questions which will result in greater understanding. Seek first to understand before being understood.
Be bold this week. Be courageous enough to change your focus, become curious and then ask the questions you’ve help back. Your communication will be so enhanced. Enjoy both your week and your discoveries!