Save this article
Use this article for free on your own website
Republish this article for free on your own website or blog. Or search or browse for more articles that your audience will appreciate. Huge choice available. Ideal for finding quality, free content. Read our publishers guide.
Do YOU Feel Guilty? Disappointed? Hidden Effects Of Divorce
I want to tell you about the effects of divorce I experienced myself. I know there are many, many websites about the effects of divorce, how bad it is for children, how to organize your new situation financially and practically, but that is not what I want to talk about here. I want to tell you the story of my life, and I want to take you on a trip through an area where I feel my divorce has had a much bigger impact than I would ever have imagined.
I want to tell you about the effects of divorce I experienced myself. I know there are many, many websites about the effects of divorce, how bad it is for children, how to organize your new situation financially and practically, but that is not what I want to talk about here. I want to tell you the story of my life, and I want to take you on a trip through an area where I feel my divorce has had a much bigger impact than I would ever have imagined.
Feeling guilty has never been an issue for me. Maybe I sometimes wondered why I would not feel guilty in situations where most people would, but more than that I would not think about it. Last night, however, I talked to my husband about an occurrence of more than a year ago. He told me that it had been my mistake, and I felt really offended. Now, when I have a strong emotion, I know that that always points to some hidden thoughts and believes in my subconscious mind, and to my dismay I discovered that I was actually feeling guilty and disappointed in myself. I managed to localize the feeling as a little pebble in my stomach, and I realized that I had been feeling that pebble quite often over the last couple of years.
If somebody would have told me that I was over reacting out of guilt, I would have laughed at them. Me, feeling guilty? I am OK, just as I am, I am doing my meditation exercises to be at peace with myself and the world, no, guilt is an emotion which I hardly know.
I felt it yesterday, when I talked with my husband about a mistake I made a year ago. I felt it last week, when I talked with my Dad on the phone, and he told about my Mom’s troubles of the moment. I felt it last weekend, when I spoke to my brother about his little boy having trouble at school…
Even when it is not my fault, if there is nothing to blame me, I still have this pebble in my stomach which points to the feeling of guilt. What happened? It looks like I am disappointed in myself…
Disappointment and guilt seem to go hand in hand. When I think I should have acted differently and better, I feel that pebble in my stomach. When I put my daughter on the bus, I feel that I should not want to live in a rural area, where the school is far away and she has to travel for more than an hour per day. When I see the dirty dishes in the sink, I feel that I should be a better housewife, and that the kitchen should be neat and clean, so that my daughter gets the good example for a organized and clean household. When I talk to the friend who feels neglected, I feel that I should have been there for her when she needed me most.
’All disappointment comes from expectations’. (Buddha)
Maybe our feelings of guilt are rooted in expectations as well. Sometimes it is other people who make us feel guilty, our partners and ex-partners are often very good at that. More often it is us who make ourselves feel guilty, by being disappointed in our own behavior and emotions. We often make comparisons between people: Jenny is smarter than Mark, Mark is more good-looking than Henry, Henry earns more money than Edward. In the same way, we compare ourselves with all these people, and we also compare ourselves and other to an ideal picture we have of ‘how one should be’. These ideal pictures are often far from realistic, but we still use them, and we are constantly disappointed by the way people act and by the way we ourselves act, think and feel.
One of the nastier effects of divorce is, that we often learned to close ourselves down to negative feelings and emotions. As soon as we start to be aware of the link between the emotion and the body sensation - like pain or discomfort - we are on the road to uncover these hidden feelings and we can start to master our emotions again.
The second step… You are not perfect. Nobody is perfect. And even more, you have no obligation to be perfect. You should not even try to be perfect! You are OK, just as you are. Your past is your past, you took decisions which you would not take today, but then, you did not know then what you know today. Forgive your mistakes, and tell yourself that at least you learned from them.
Step three. Forgive others too. You have to forgive yourself first, before you can start forgiving others, so this is the order of things. You will be amazed how much friendlier the world looks if you start to be a forgiving person…
Step four wraps it up: I am more effective in my relationships, I am more pleasant, loving, caring to all people that matter. The chance that I make big mistakes like the ones I used to feel guilty about, gets much smaller because of my new way of acting, feeling and thinking!