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Would You Know If Your Child Is Being Bullied?
'But Ken loves his gymnastics. He always has. I just don't understand why he's gone off it. And he's so moody about it too!'
‘But Ken loves his gymnastics. He always has. I just don’t understand why he’s gone off it. And he’s so moody about it too!’
The Mum on the ‘phone was becoming agitated. Her friend had called to arrange the transport for their two boys’ weekly gym class - but for the third week in succession, Ken was refusing to go. And Mum was perplexed.
Nevertheless, it soon became clear: Ken was a victim of bullying.
ChildLine (a UK charity) estimates that 8 out of 10 children either have been or are victims of bullying. Bullying is a curse on society that has been around for thousands of years, and it doesn’t only happen to kids.
Today we’ll home in on child bullying and look for the tell-tale symptoms that could suggest your child is a victim.
SIGNS OF BULLYING
Often the first sign will be a change of heart regarding an activity the child once enjoyed. There could be a reluctance or even a refusal to take part. It could involve school or a hobby like Ken’s gymnastics.
Along with this change there could be signs that all is not well: feeling sick, anxious glances, fretting, even angry outbursts.
There may also be an out-of-character moodiness and withdrawal, often with physical signs of unrest such as a pale complexion or fearful and drawn features.
You may even be aware of other outward signs, like torn clothes, unexplained injuries, and a run of losses involving items like iPods or cell phones.
Unusual demands for cash may be made, and you may even notice pilfering from your purse or wallet. This is to pay-off the bullies.
A decline in school performance is not uncommon, and there may also be a decline in sporting activities or a loss of interest in hobbies that were once all-consuming.
Probably the most disturbing symptom for parents to cope with is an apparent personality change: a normally outgoing, friendly and cheerful child can quickly become sad and morose, even refusing to leave the home or contact friends. And sometimes there will be outbursts of anger, even from the most friendly and placid of children.
UNDERSTANDING THESE CHANGES
All of the above symptoms are rooted in fear. This ranges from fear of embarrassment to fear for life itself. The child is trying at all costs to avoid the fear-inducing experience of bullying.
Possibly the greatest fear is that if they confide in anyone, things will get worse. This leads to a deepening of the fear and, since the child sees no way out, it can end in depression.
To fully understand this we need to consider the various forms of bullying.
The experts classify bullying into three categories, all of which can be combined and happen at the same time: verbal, physical and social.
Physical bullying is usually characterized by punching and kicking, but there can also be slapping, hair-pulling and threats with weapons such as blades.
It goes hand-in-hand with an assault on the victim’s belongings, like stealing money or destroying sports items.
Verbal bullying usually takes the form of mocking and insulting the victims, or put-downs designed to embarrass them, or loud, aggressive language to intimidate them.
Social bullying is any of the above forms, but it is when a group picks on one or more victims. This is also known as relational bullying. It can be very harmful indeed when a group of kids decide to ignore or ‘ostracize’ one of their own.
Strategies you can use to help your child are discussed in a separate article.
The purpose of this article is to help parents be vigilant: many of the above signs are so obvious that it’s easy to overlook them.
If you were Ken’s parent you’d feel terrible if you later discovered he was being bullied, but you thought he was just becoming an awkward teenager or was simply moving on. (‘He’s lost interest in his gymnastics class.’)
It makes sense to be alert to even minor changes in our kids’ lives. We don’t need to pry or smother them, but we can be there to assist - especially since many kids blame themselves for the problem!
Here’s to your success!